The Church of Shark Handling...

 It was sci writer L. Ron Hubbard who claimed the best way to make a bunch of money is to found your own religion. Hubbard, who passed away in 1986 went on to do just that, amid much controversy, founding the Church of Scientology. On a family beach trip to Surfside, Tx I had the brilliant idea to do the same but avoiding conflicts by pursuing salvation through shark handling. After all Shark Week is an incredibly popular TV show and that kids song, probably from some other show, "baby shark shark shark" is stuck in my head so the more I think about it the more it makes sense.  

For proper shark handling you gotta get a shark. As sharks come in all sizes it helps to have a small one. Easier to handle it and as your faith grows you will be able to handle bigger ones.  

Raise them right and they will stay on the path. I didn't make that up. I heard it somewhere but I bet it will hold true with this one. He's started young. 

Of course some will be afraid and may deny the shark three or more times before some kind of good fish we can eat is caught. Due to the fact that sharks are apex predators of the food chain they tend to absorb lots of toxins like mercury in their flesh and while safe for the faithful to handle probably should not be consumed in excess by by small children and women of childbearing years as many of our church members fit that demographic.    

The laying of hands on the shark is a calming experience for the shark and the handler.

Bow before the mighty shark. Hail thee! 

The faithful bring their children from far and wide for the handling of the shark. 

Oh shark, I bow and look thee in the eye, thy teeth snap and slash but I shall not be afraid at all! 

You need high priests of the shark to be your spirit guides. 

Another high priest of the shark leads the little children to the water. 

Matt, the most high of the shark handlers gathers his congregation from up and down the beach. 

Oh hammer of my heart, I rejoice in you. 

Some do a little dance when they handle. Depends on how frisky the shark. 

And then there are those of little faith who can only catch hard head catfish. Luckily there are many rooms in my Father's house.   

All sharks CPRed, caught, photographed and released.